


Our Relationship Album

by Junliet



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Bluntchallenge, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Getting Together, M/M, Relationship Development, Relationship Study, Song fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:27:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29138535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junliet/pseuds/Junliet
Summary: A study in Yuzuvier to the soundtrack of James Blunt songs
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 12
Kudos: 67





	1. You're Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! Happy February! We all made it through a whole month together so yay! This challenge is something I planned with another absolutely amazinggggg writer emilia_kaisa where we have 14 James Blunt songs and we'll be writing with them as our prompts for February (since his birthday is in February). I hope you all enjoy this!

_I saw an angel, of that I'm sure_

From what Javier knew about angels, they could be terrifying when they appeared. And Yuzuru Hanyu's raw talent and energy at the Rostelecom cup was terrifying. Awe inspiring, but terrifying. He'd heard about him, because who hadn't? He'd won both the junior titles and then came up to seniors, landed his first quad at his first competition, very nearly won a medal on the senior Grand Prix series, and then he had won the silver at Four Continents. If anyone had the ability to shake the world as his world had been shaken, Javier would have guessed it was the sixteen-year-old sitting to his left in the press conference. He extended a hand to him, past the Japanese translator, which the younger gladly took, as they settled down for the questions. Young and a little shy, Javier watched him curiously as he giggled his way through his statement.

"I'm really happy that I'm here today. It's my second medal in the Grand Prix this year and my whole life, and I'm really really happy. I think I did a good job in my programs. Um... I think I made mistakes but I will keep working to get the mistakes fixed in the future. And I think today everyone was really close, and Yuzuru did a really good job and I'm really happy that he is first and that no one will give me anything for free." He laughed to ease any tension. "So congratulations. He did a great job."

The sunshine radiating from the smile of the winner was almost blinding, like the shine from an angel's wings, and Javier caught himself smiling back.

_I saw your face in a crowded place,_

_And I don't know what to do_

_Cause I'll never be with you_

"Something wrong?" Courtney asked as she looked up at Javier from where they were curled up together on his couch. Effie was in her lap purring and her head was resting on his shoulder. "You've been a little spaced out since you came back from Russia. You're through to the final!"

"I know," Javier smiled up at her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "I'm excited!"

"Maybe you'll do something history breaking again!"

Javier nodded and tried to turn back and focus on the show she was interested in. She pressed a kiss to his cheek before she leaned her head on his shoulder and ran her fingers through Effie's fur. Javier linked his fingers with hers on top of their cat, and he couldn't stop himself thinking back to his last competition. When a certain Japanese face, adorable giggles, and the cutest English came to mind, his stomach turned in a weird way.

_We shared a moment that will last 'til the end_

Of course Javier remembered the 2011 Rostelecom Cup. For the rest of the season, it didn't stick in his mind as much as the other competitions did. He did win Spain's first Grand Prix Final medal after all. Europeans was a bit of a disappointment to him, finishing in sixth, and then he had a mess of a free at the World Championships that put him in ninth overall. When he watched another star rise from seventh up to third with a free that was second only to the overall World Champion, he saw the angel rising and thought back to their meeting.

"Hey," Javier caught him backstage and was met with slightly confused blinking from the young Japanese man. "Congratulations."

Yuzuru tilted his head at him, trying to think of the words to say. He couldn't really offer Javier the same, since a fall from fifth to ninth wasn't what anyone wanted, so he instead offered him a polite smile.

"Thank you," Yuzuru said in careful, slow English. He shifted from foot to foot a little awkwardly, scuffing his skate guard against the floor and fiddling with the flowers in his hands. "Um. You... Ice shows?"

"I'm going to spend some time in Spain for a bit. We'll see if I get invited to any." Javier laughed and Yuzuru laughed awkwardly along with him, not really understanding. "Anyway. Just wanted to say congratulations."

"Thank you," Yuzuru watched as Javier went, weaving his way easily through the media and other competitors.

He was swept up in the rush and, with all the adrenaline running through him, he chattered away at Daisuke. Patrick gave the two of them a weird look and was not very amused when Yuzuru bounced around like an excited puppy during the victory ceremony. Daisuke, purely for the sake of professionalism, had to bite back his laughter at Patrick's face when he heard Yuzuru say to him "I will beat you" before he climbed up onto his own step of the podium. Patrick may have won the title, but Yuzuru was soaking up the experience and showing off like a peacock. When all the excitement was over and the adrenaline left him exhausted, he all but fell into Nanami's arms for a hug.

"I'm so proud of you," she told him softly. "I'm just so proud of you. You're improving so fast."

Yuzuru wanted to press her and ask why she sounded so final, but bit it back. After the press conference, he took a quick shower to get the gel out of his hair before he changed into much more casual clothes and joined his parents and Nanami for a meal. Just as he was about to dig into his strawberry shortcake dessert, he paused and caught Nanami's eyes.

"Yuzuru," her tone made him sit up straight and listen, "you're an incredible skater and you're growing so fast. You can achieve everything if you try. But I don't think that I will be the one to take you to the heights you wish to achieve."

A lump rose up in his throat and he paused, setting down his fork. "What are you saying?"

"I think, to aid in your improvements and growth, you should find another coach. Someone who can take you to the heights I know you can achieve. It has been an honour and a privilege to coach you, and I hope you never forget where you started when you reach the stars."

Yuzuru nodded, blinking back the tears that sprang forwards despite himself. He fiddled with his fork and Nanami rubbed his shoulder.

"Take your time thinking about it. It's an important decision and shouldn't be taken lightly. The JSF will want to know your decision but don't let them rush you--"

"I've decided."

Yuzuru's parents and Nanami all blinked at him in shock. His coach then laughed and shook her head in disbelief but understanding.

"Of course. Well, we can worry about it more tomorrow. For now, just enjoy your first medal at the World Championships."

"They took me to a hotel. It was all very top secret. I was in this room and then in walked Yuzuru Hanyu. And I thought that he was the last person who would want to be coached by me."

Javier could tell that there was something different about Brian when he came back from his trip. He wouldn't talk about it, but he looked like there was something weighing on his mind. Brian nodded towards the edge of the rink when he caught Javier's eyes and the Spaniard just followed him off the ice, putting on his blade guards as he followed him to his office. He flopped down in the seat opposite to Brian's desk and quirked an eyebrow at his coach.

"There's someone who would like to train at the club," Brian said and Javier's heart dropped. Images of Morozov and his blatant favouritism flooded his mind and he felt the blood drain away from his face. Brian noted it and kept talking. "I wanted to run it by you first. You can say no and I will tell them no. It is important for you to be comfortable with them coming to train here, and, since it's your training base, it's only fair that you have a say in it."

"Who is it?" Javier asked, visibly more relaxed than he was before, soothed by Brian's words. "Can you say? Or are you not allowed to?"

"It's Yuzuru Hanyu."

_And I don't know what to do_

_Cause I'll never be with you_

Javier nodded with a smile, trying to ignore the weird feeling in his chest. It wasn't hesitation; it was some emotion that he didn't really understand. "Sure. It'll be good for us to train together. Learn from each other."


	2. The Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm retiring."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by The Only One by James Blunt. I hope the timeline makes sense x

"I'm retiring."

_If I could go and turn back time,_

_If I could only press rewind_

Yuzuru wasn't sure how two words could shatter his world. And yet they had. Javier's words had sent him emotionally spiralling and he couldn't attempt to choke down the tears that rose up and consumed him.

"I can't," he choked out as all the memories of their time training together flooded him. "I can't do it without you."

Javier hid Yuzuru's face in his shoulder, stroking his hair to soothe him as Yuzuru sobbed.

"I'm here to steal your salchow," Yuzuru told him with a firm nod. "I really want to train with you."

"For my quad salchow?" Javier chuckled in surprise, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well... Sure... But I won't give it up easily!"

"Hey," Yuzuru nudged Javier with his shoulder gently and gave him a small smile. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Congratulations Olympic Champ," Javier's smile was watery and missing its usual sparkle. "You deserve that."

"I could never have done it without you," Yuzuru mumbled. "You're going to come to Worlds?"

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe. Maybe not. I am quite tired."

"Please come to Worlds. I want to see you get a medal again."

When they shared the podium together at Worlds, Javier hugged his waist and stroked it with a bright grin before he climbed up to collect his second bronze. Yuzuru's smile was as bright as the sun, and Javier's beside him made the world feel lighter and brighter.

"Sorry," Yuzuru gasped as he tried to choke back his tears and wiped his eyes, "I am happy for you. I promise. I just can't stop crying!"

Javier cupped the sides of his face and stroked the hair behind Yuzuru's ears that he always stroked to calm himself down. He smiled, lowering their foreheads so that they were close and whispered quiet enough that none of the media personnel would pick up on it.

"Even if you didn't win today, you are the champion of my heart," he promised and Yuzuru just wanted to melt in his arms. Javier somehow soothed the wounds that came from the silver, and he always managed to make him feel better. Plus it was Javier. If there was anyone he could feel genuinely happy for when they beat him, it would be Javier.

_I'll be the first to say I'm sorry,_

_The first to say I'm stupid_

"Go away!" Yuzuru snapped, reaching past Javier to grab his gold suitcase. "Just go and celebrate with your family and girlfriend and leave me alone!"

"Why are you so angry?" Javier's eyes darkened. "Because I beat you? You still have all the records! It's not my fault your quad salchows sucked today! Why did you even swap one of your quad toes for the sal? To get more points? To break yet another world record, because breaking six in two weeks isn't good enough for you? I'm sorry you didn't win the gold like you wanted, but I'm allowed to be happy about my win."

Yuzuru rolled his eyes and tried to push past him. When Javier blocked his way, his eyes darkened further.

"Move. I want to go to my hotel room."

"And then what? You'll watch back your programs and hide away? It's not healthy. At least don't spend the evening alone if you don't want to spend time with me."

"I'm an adult! I can choose what I want to do!"

"Yuzuru."

"Move Javier."

With a redundant sigh, Javier stepped out of the way. When Yuzuru got to the door, he paused.

"You know," Javier said quietly, "I'm always so happy for you when you win. Even when you win against me. I was so proud of you in Barcelona, my home country, setting all the world records and bringing the world to its knees as you climbed higher, daring everyone to catch you. And you can say that it's a smaller title than the world title, but it was in my home too. And yet you're never happy for me when I beat you. I hope you have a good evening."

_They say all things heal with time_

_But its untrue_

Javier smiled weakly when he saw Yuzuru soar once again, flying to the top of the world with all the power under his wings. He claimed his second world title and left everyone behind him; Shoma and Boyang stood on the cliff edge, looking up at the star that was Yuzuru, when Javier, Patrick, and Nathan all tumbled down into the abyss of the canyon. From two-time World Champion to fourth place just before the Olympics, he felt the pain and pressure that came from everything. With no Olympic medal to his name and the younger skaters nipping at his heels, he felt the exhaustion overcoming his body. He trudged past the media, ignoring most of them who, in turn, paid him no mind. He didn't have a big federation hyping him up like Nathan and Patrick did, and he didn't have a medal which made him worth talking about, like Shoma and Boyang did. And he didn't break the world record and have the general Yuzuru-Hanyu-ness about him that made the media want to get to him. But Yuzuru caught his wrist and, in that moment in time, they both felt the intense weight of their argument the season before. Yuzuru fumbled with the medal ribbon as it got caught on his hair, and he placed it around Javier's neck, adjusting it so that it lay flat and comfortably on his jacket. He gave a small smile and his eyes were filled with silent uncertainties that Javier understood all too well.

"For you," he whispered. "Champion of my heart."

Javier hugged him tightly and hid his face in Yuzuru's shoulder as the gold pressed between them. They stayed like that for a moment too long before Yuzuru had to be torn away for the media.

"We'll do good together next year," Yuzuru told him quietly. "Promise?"

"Promise," Javier said as the weight of a decision that he wasn't ready to voice hung heavy in the back of his mind. He gave him a little smile before Yuzuru was whisked off.

_And I told you all my secrets,_

_All my fears, I've let go_

"I can't do it without you," Yuzuru whispered, laying his heart and soul bare to Javier. "I can't."

"You can," Javier stroked his hair and gave him a watery smile. "You can, I promise. You're strong and you will rise to the stars."


	3. If Time is All I Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If time is all I have
> 
> I'll waste it all on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be too mad at me for this chapter! Sorry it's a bit shorter as well

_If time is all I have_

_I'll waste it all on you_

Yuzuru lay on his bed in the hotel room, listening as his TV played another random Olympic sport that was going on. He'd won the Olympic gold, and now he felt void of anything. This was what he had been focusing on for far too long and, now that he had achieved it, the question of "what now" hung in the air. He felt at a loss.

But it wasn't just from the Olympic games really being over, or his aching ankle that would make him miss the World Championships, or the unknown of the seasons ahead that made him feel conflicted and empty.

It was Javi.

For six years he had been training under Brian. For six years, he'd been working on befriending the quadruple salchow and taming it. For six years, he'd had Javier beside him, helping him up when he fell down and pushing him to be his best. For six years, he felt like he'd been running and now, finally, he felt like he'd stopped to catch his breath. It had gone by way too fast. He hadn't appreciated all the things that Javier really did for him and now that he was finally going, his heart shattered.

Yuzuru didn't really understand love. He'd never had time for love. He had to remain alone to be able to focus entirely on what he wanted and had to achieve. The weight of his duty to his home city had kept him in the dark and now that people had finally set him free, and he'd finally set himself free with the second Olympic gold, he felt like he was seeing for the first time.

_Each day I'll turn it back_

_It's what the broken-hearted do_

"Javi," he whispered quietly, biting his lip. He didn't know much about love, but he knew that the way he felt about Javier was like no one else. Javier was special to him, and he didn't care if it was love or not; he was one of the most important people to him.

But, in the six years gone by, not once had he ever been the one who extended the hand to Javier. And the realisation hit him like his fall, shocking him. He did love Javier and now it was too late for him. Too late for the both of them. Javier had a girlfriend and a plan for his life in Spain after one more last European title that Yuzuru wouldn't be able to attend. They'd shared their last podium. They'd got their last medals together. Their relationship had taken a huge leap and there was absolutely no way of going back.

_When you're older_

_And the memories fade_

_But I know I'll still feel the same_

_For as long as I live_

In the gala practices, Yuzuru seemed like his normal, cute, goofy self. He played about with the other skaters and acted like a cute older brother to Shoma and Jun. He joined in with the speed skating and playing around with Misha and Boyang. He enjoyed pretending to be a model with Eric Radford. And he loved playing about with a fan in his hand as he skated the opening of Seimei with the fan in his hand. The thrill of the Olympics still went through his veins as he kept himself light and jokey. But his eyes always lacked a little bit of light in them. He caught himself glancing over at a certain white jacket with red and yellow lines on it, and yet he couldn't force himself to stop. Knowing he wouldn't get to do it for long, he let himself indulge in the sight and joy that Javier always brought him. In his glasses, he looked even better, and Yuzuru drank in the sight like water. He knew that Javier was planning on getting contacts and eye surgery so that he wouldn't need his glasses anymore, and Yuzuru had bit back his comment when he brought it up. He thought the glasses looked beautiful on Javier, but if he just got to see Javier's face just one more time, he would take it. He wouldn't waste any time; he would drink it in and enjoy it forever. He'd never look away if he was given the chance to hold on forever. When he leaned against the barriers and sipped from his water bottle, Evgenia skated over and stopped beside him.

"You look like there's something on your mind." She said to him softly. "What's going on? Worried about your ankle?"

Yuzuru looked at her, really looked at her, and nodded. The weight of losing the gold and everything from her coaching team was clear on her face, and Yuzuru understood.

"A little. What about you? How is your stress fracture?"

She shrugged, arranging her disguised Luna beside Yuzuru's disguised Pooh-san on the boards. "It's okay. Getting better. It should be better for next season I think. You going to keep competing?"

"Of course," Yuzuru nodded with a cheeky grin. "Someone has to land the quad axel after all!"

She rolled her eyes at him before she left him alone to go and play with Alina. He watched for a moment as the two sweet Russian ladies teased Shoma, skating circles around him with teasing giggles and grins. They laughed and dragged poor Jun into their antics too as they teased Shoma about his height. Yuzuru's eyes wandered before they fixed on Javier again and he forced himself to drink water to stop the tears from falling.

"I want to keep competing because, without that, what else will I have without you too?" Yuzuru wanted to say as he saw him laughing with Tessa and Scott.

Javier was such a bright light that made everyone smile. He made the younger ones laugh, teasing Jun and Shoma like they were his own younger siblings. Yuzuru mirrored him, playing with the little Korean flower girls who followed Jun like little ducklings before he messed around with Alina, Tessa, and Scott. Whenever he caught Javier's eyes across the rink, the Spaniard always shot him with a sunshine smile that sent pangs to his heart.

_If time is all I have_

_I'll waste it all on you_


	4. No Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't go," Yuzuru quietly begged Javier as they sat alone in the locker room of the PyeongChang arena. "Please. Please. I need you Javi. Please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry it's a bit shorter. This chapter was based on the song No Tears, so I hope you like it! Thanks for reading it

_I thank my father_

_His absence has made me strong_

_And I love my mother_

"Don't go," Yuzuru quietly begged Javier as they sat alone in the locker room of the PyeongChang arena. "Please. Please. I need you Javi. Please."

"Yuzuru," Javier's eyes were tired, heavy, and there was something else misting over them, "it's time to go home. It's time to hang up my competitive skates. I've been away from my family for too long, and I love skating, but it's time. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't hope to keep up with the younger skaters. They're moving the sport too fast for me."

"But we did that!" Yuzuru took hold of Javier's hand as his dark eyes stubbornly clung to the tears that he didn't want to let fall. "Remember? We pushed one quad in the free and in the short. Then two quads in the free! Then three! Then two quads in the short! Remember when we were the ones at the front?"

"That's right." Javier sighed and leaned against the wall with a smile. "We were great together. We really dominated the world for a couple of years, didn't we?"

"From 2013 to now," Yuzuru nodded and lowered his eyes. "We can keep doing that Javi. We can keep going. We can both do everything! You've landed the quad loop! We can--"

_No tears_

_For the life that you've led_

"Yuzu," Javier said quietly, "Yuzu. I can't. I've only landed it in practice. I can't do it in competition. You and I are pushing for quality over the number of quads, and I don't think the sport is designed for people like us anymore."

Yuzuru chewed on his lip and, despite his better judgement, Javier cupped his cheek.

"Please don't cry," his voice was much rawer and more vulnerable than Yuzuru had ever heard before. "Please. I know you're hurting but please. You've done so much. We've done so much together. And you're going to be amazing when you take over the world later. Don't forget about me when you rule the world again, okay?"

"But Javi," Yuzuru whispered to him, slender fingers trailing lightly over his chin, "what about competing for Spain? What about everything? What about--"

_Well I've been everything I want to be_

_So, no tears_

_No tears for me_

"I've done all I can for Spain while competing," he said with a light chuckle. "Let me worry about that and you worry about yourself, okay?"

"But surely... Seeing you compete more will inspire more people for Spain!"

"Yuzuru, I think I've done all that I wanted to do. I've become everything I want to be. Would I maybe want more? Maybe. But I'm happy. I'm happy and satisfied with all of this. My career will help encourage Spanish skaters, and hopefully other skaters. Skaters like Julian. Donovan. Skaters from countries that aren't traditionally known for figure skating. I hope that they see now that you can win. You can make it big through hard work. But I can't keep going."

_Yeah, I've bathed in sunshine_

_But cherished the fading light_

Yuzuru's shoulders sagged and he nodded as he started unlacing his skates. Javier did the same beside him in silence. The air was heavy from sadness, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Like they had done so many times before, they took off their skates together and cleaned them. The finality of it all hung in the air, and, when they finished zipping up their bags, they turned to face each other for a moment.

"I'll miss you," Javier blurted out. Yuzuru's face very nearly crumpled there, just at those simple words, and Javier shook his head. "No no, please. Don't cry Yuzu. Smile for me, okay? You're going to keep going and you'll do even more incredible things. I know you will."

Yuzuru smiled weakly at him through his tears and, unthinking, Javier pressed a kiss to Yuzuru's cheek before he stood up and left the locker room and Yuzuru. He watched him go, eyes shining as a single tear ran down the side of his cheek, trailing over where Javier had left his kiss.

_All the things that you've seen_

_All the things that could have been_

_Well I've been everything I want to be_

_So, no tears_

_No tears_


	5. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just Europeans," Brian repeated, barely trying to keep it together. "Just Europeans and then..."
> 
> "Well, I'm going to do the Japan Open as well to get the minimum technical scores before finishing my career at Europeans. My competitive career at least."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a more emotional chapter focused on Brian and Javi. Sorry it's short. I hope you enjoy it!

Monsters

_The time has gone_

_I'll tell you goodnight, close the door_

_Tell you I love you once more_

"Just Europeans," Brian repeated, barely trying to keep it together. "Just Europeans and then..."

"Well, I'm going to do the Japan Open as well to get the minimum technical scores before finishing my career at Europeans. My competitive career at least."

Brian nodded, unsure of exactly what to say. The words in his heart and mind were too jumbled up, mixed with all different emotions.

_I'm not your son, you're not my father_

_We're just two grown men saying goodbye_

_No need to forgive, no need to forget_

_I know your mistakes and you know mine_

"Do you remember when I first arrived?" Javier smiled at his coach, chuckling at his old coach's expression. "We didn't really get on that well, did we?"

"Nope," Brian popped the p and couldn't help but laugh. "God, I found you so frustrating."

"I was pretty lazy, wasn't I? I didn't exactly have the best approach to training."

Brian's eyes were kind. "It wasn't your fault you hadn't really had any proper structure. Tracy called you a kicked puppy when you first came to the club."

"And I seem to remember that a plank of wood in one of the walls of the club has a nice hole in it from you kicking it with your skates on when you were mad at me," Javier teased. "Brian, thank you. For giving me a chance and for providing a structure for me to follow."

"Of course. We're so proud of you, Javier. Even if we did get off to a rocky start."

Javier nodded, fiddling with his hands in his lap as he thought back to all the years he and Brian had been together for.

"You used to be quite... confused whenever we would ask you to make a decision, or whenever we asked your opinion on something to do with you. I think teaching you that you could have control over your own programs and your own skating was one of the first big hurdles we got over."

Javier chewed his lip as he thought back over it and nodded. "It's one of the reasons why I wanted to do Charlie Chaplin at the Olympics. Since it was one of the earliest things we did together, and I got my first World Championship medal with it."

"You and David worked well together. And then of course you had to have a nice Spanish program for your final one, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," Javier put his hands on his hip and pretended to strike a pose. "I'm so Spanish. I like bringing Spanish pride to the figure skating world. I hope I can do as well in my last competition as I did at the Olympics."

"You will," Brian's confidence gave him a surge of confidence in his heart. "You will. You're going to become the first Spanish man to win seven consecutive European titles. And you're gong to be remembered as the man with the second highest number of consecutive European Championship golds."

_I will be the last one_

_So I'll leave a light on_

_Let there be no darkness, in your heart_

"Any idea what you're going to do next season?" Brian's voice was light and gentle, trying to imagine that everything was just like a normal season. "Something new? Or something fun?"

"Something for Spain," Javier said with a sunny smile. "You know me. I'm Spanish, through and through. I want to do something for Spain, and represent my country in a sport where there are so few Spanish skaters. Malagueña and Man of La Mancha."

Yuzuru's words from an interview about Seimei swam to the surface of his mind. "I’d like to cherish my identity as a Japanese. I’m training abroad but I’m very proud to be a Japanese. I’m always conscious of our politeness when I compete in the world. I wanted to bring traditions of authentic Japan to my new program. I’ve finally found it."

"That sounds like a good idea Javi. And very you." Brian patted his shoulder and gave him a smile that showed he held too many emotions. "We'll miss you at the club. Very much."

"I'll miss you all too," he hugged his coach, half hiding his face in his shoulder. "All of you. So much."

_Especially Yuzuru_ his traitorous mind thought, but he shoved the feeling deep down inside of himself, fighting to hide it. His feelings felt like a monster inside of him and he had to push them; Yuzuru would never love him back in that way.

_Don't be afraid, it's my turn_

_To chase the monsters away_


	6. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A month ago, or six weeks ago, we were doing a session. So, Yuzu just sort of stopped in the middle of it, and he was looking up and I was like 'What are you doing?' In our rink we have a whole bank of flags of all the countries that have trained at our rink. And he was standing under the Spanish flag. I said 'Is everything okay?' and he's like 'I just miss Javi'. And I'm like 'Aww!'"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you're doing well. The song for today is Cold and I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thank you for reading it

_It's been lonely, trying to get your attention from a thousand miles away_

"A month ago, or six weeks ago, we were doing a session. So, Yuzu just sort of stopped in the middle of it, and he was looking up and I was like 'What are you doing?' In our rink we have a whole bank of flags of all the countries that have trained at our rink. And he was standing under the Spanish flag. I said 'Is everything okay?' and he's like 'I just miss Javi'. And I'm like 'Aww!'"

Yuzuru skated around the rink with a fake smile plastered on his face. Be nice, he'd told himself, especially to the new people at the club. Jason and Evgenia were just starting to settle in and had been in a few of his elite sessions. There were a couple of new juniors too that he'd tried to be nice to, but being the oldest at the club was painful to him.

_And you know me, always overthinking the worst possibilities_

"Hey," Yuzuru's head snapped up and he caught Jason's eyes, "you okay? You've kind of been spacing out recently."

"Oh, no, it's nothing," Yuzuru gave him a smile. "How are you liking the club?"

"It's really good! I'm so excited to be here, you know? Training with you, and Brian and Tracy, and Junhwan, and all the fantastic other staff members and other fantastic skaters. I'm so excited to be here!"

Yuzuru nodded, unsure of what exactly to say. Jason was more than happy to fill the silence with his excited chattering about how good training there was going to be. He watched as Jason easily befriended everyone at the club, being the social butterfly he was, and he sat on the bench, stroking Pooh-san's head.

_Without your arms around me_

_Without you on my skin_

_._

_Without you I'm just cold_

Yuzuru watched as the others in the club got on like a house on fire. Jun easily opened up to the new younger skaters, becoming very firm friends with a certain Canadian straight away. Jason somehow managed to make everyone become his friend because he was such a social butterfly, just like Javier. Evgenia and Katya were like two little chicks that adopted each other, although Evgenia did unofficially adopt Jun too.

But Yuzuru? Yuzuru always hovered off to the side, away from them. The others put him on a different level and, as such, he felt so detached from them that he was incredibly lonely. He had to be alone. He had to be alone because he was competing and he needed to be on his own to focus.

_But I don't want to let go of the things that keep me warm_

"But you had Javi," his traitorous mind whispered to him, "even when you tried to push him away. He came back to you and never left you cold and alone. He wormed his way into your heart and kept you warm. Gave you comfort when no one else could or would. Stopped you being lonely and gave you someone to be your friend in this foreign place. He extended a hand to you for those six seasons you trained together, and you said it yourself. You owe what you have won to him."

_Yeah, we both know, in between you and me there's an ocean_

Yuzuru chewed his lip and fiddled with his phone in his hands. Six messages. There were six messages, none from him, and never with a response.

_Javi: Happy birthday Yuzu! I'll give you your present when we all get back to the club_

_Javi: Ah you were so close to the gold at 4CC! Don't worry! We'll work hard for Worlds_

_Javi: What ice shows are you doing this summer?_

_Javi: Hang out with me in Barcelona?_

_Javi: Don't worry about 4CC! It's a silly competition anyway ;) In my opinion you should have won_

_Javi: I hope your ankle is okay! Effie and I are sending you good thoughts_

Yuzuru started to type.

_Javi, hi_

"No," Yuzuru deleted it all. "Too weird."

_Hi Javi, it's Yuzu_

He shook his head. "No. He knows it's me."

_Hi Javi, I can't wait to see you again at the club._

He paused, hands shaking a little.

_Hi Javi, I can't wait to see you again at the club. I miss you._

He deleted the last three words and paused.

_Hi Javi, I can't wait to see you again at the club. The new kids want to meet you!_

_I don't mean to be desperate, or pretend that I'm not torn_

_But I don't want to let go of the things that keep me warm_

_Without you I'm just cold_


	7. She Will Always Hate Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the few weeks of training that Yuzuru had endured with Javier, he tried to avoid looking at the Spaniard's social media. His new girlfriend was being showered with affection, like all Javier's girlfriends and partners were, and the jealousy inside Yuzuru made his stomach turn in pain, making him nauseous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, the song for today is She Will Always Hate Me. I'm sorry it's a bit sad. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

_Oh God it hurt_

_The moment that I saw you_

_With someone else_

In the few weeks of training that Yuzuru had endured with Javier, he tried to avoid looking at the Spaniard's social media. His new girlfriend was being showered with affection, like all Javier's girlfriends and partners were, and the jealousy inside Yuzuru made his stomach turn in pain, making him nauseous. He did what he did best; he hid himself away from the world and hyper focused on his jumps. His comments about the quad axel the world had partially taken as a joke, but it was much easier to ignore the gaping hole that Javier left at the club when he was eating ice most of the time and slamming into it from every direction. With the pain from all his falls and his bone deep exhaustion from working so hard each day, it helped to keep his mind off the lack of Spanish sunshine beside him.

_I never thought_

_I'd drown in my shallow heart_

When Yuzuru fell on a jump, if it was a really bad fall, the wind would get knocked out of him and he could struggle to breathe for maybe a second or two. When he had a mild asthma attack, he would wheeze and getting oxygen was a struggle. When he had an intense asthma attack, his lips would go blue and he would barely be able to get a whisper of air. The pain at that moment was awful and the tightness in his chest was like nothing he could compare it to.

But, when Javier denounced their friendship, that feeling returned like a bad asthma attack, only there wasn't any inhaler to relieve it, no steroid tablets he could take, no medicine he could have through a nebuliser, and nothing a cannula could do to make it feel better. His heart ached as his chest tightened, and his phone slipped from his fingers onto the floor. He curled up, trembling in his own arms but unable to cry.

_I never meant to hurt you_

_It's just something I do_

"-zuru. Yuzuru!"

Yuzuru finally came back to himself when his mother shook his shoulder and fixed him with worry in her eyes. Her hand moved from his shoulder to cup his cheek as his eyes welled up with tears that sparkled brighter than the rhinestones on his costumes and threatened to spill over.

"Yuzuru? What's going on?"

With trembling fingers, he reached for his phone and unlocked it, passing it to her before the infernal comments from Javier sent him spiralling even worse than he already was. She took it and glanced over it, reading it a couple of times to understand the English better, before her eyes softened and she set his phone down, pulling him into a hug and stroking his hair.

"You are friends," she said quietly to him. "Six years of being friends doesn't go away in a minute. Just because there is a little more distance between you doesn't mean that everything is going to fall apart. Your father and I are still together, after all, and Saya still has a fabulous relationship with the two of us here in Canada. If you work hard and put effort in, the distance can be overcome."

"Am I a bad friend?" Yuzuru mumbled into her shoulder, clinging onto her like a lifeline, like if he let her go, she would disappear from his life too.

"I wouldn't say you're the best at being someone's friend, but I think part of that comes from befriending your rivals and competitors. You're very good friends with people like Nobu and Mao, and Keiji and Ryuju. You're also friends with Javier, even if you've hit a bit of a rough patch at the moment. Remember that something big has just happened between you and you both need time to adjust."

_And there is no mistaking_

_The love is gone_

Over in Spain, Javier rolled onto his back on the bed as his girlfriend snuggled up beside him. He scrolled through Instagram and paused, thumb hovering over a photograph of him and Yuzuru on the PyeongChang podium together. Yuzuru's smile was so bright and he could almost feel the ghost of Yuzuru's hand on his waist. He could hear his giggle that was slightly high from painkillers and a little high from his win. He swallowed and double tapped the photo before he pressed on the little blue tag labelled "Yuzuru Hanyu." He was taken straight to pages and pages of photos of Yuzuru, all captioned with his own words that he couldn't take back. He scrolled further, almost desperate to get away from the painful words, when he paused. He found edits, edits of them cuddling, kissing, even an edited movie trailer for "ice buddies." He scrolled back and back and back and stopped. There. A cute photo of him and Yuzuru training at PyeongChang. Before the event ended. Before their relationship changed immensely. Before he unintentionally made Yuzuru's world fall about around him before what was meant to be one of the best moments of his life.

"Mmm, Javi?" He nearly dropped his phone as he rushed to set it on his bedside table as his girlfriend curled up to his side. "You okay? What's going on?"

"Oh, no, nothing's going on." Javier pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Go back to sleep babe."

"Javi, you're all tense," she sat up and frowned. "You're not thinking back to him, are you?"

"No." He said quickly. I was thinking about skating, but not him."

Her face fell and her eyes narrowed on him, making him feel as exposed as he ever had. He swallowed, averting her gaze, and he cringed when he heard her sigh.

"Javier. He's just a guy you used to train with. You're not training there anymore so you really don't need to worry about him anymore. Stop looking at pictures of him on Instagram if it makes you feel like this. You need to move on, and he does too. A clean break will help you both."

Javier nodded, wrapping his arms around her as she settled down to sleep against his chest. She fell asleep, but he couldn't sleep as his thoughts about Yuzuru circled and swirled in his mind long into the night.

_And she will always hate me_

_No matter what I say_


	8. Goodbye My Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She watched as he slept, tracing the tiny smile lines on his face with her eyes as she swallowed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you're all doing well. This chapter is a little bit sadder and has a break up but I hope you enjoy it still! Thank you so much for reading it!

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?_

_Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_

She watched as he slept, tracing the tiny smile lines on his face with her eyes as she swallowed. She raised a hand, barely daring to move some of his curls out of his eyes; his long eyelashes touched his cheeks almost like a doe's. She propped herself up on one elbow, frowning at the weight and worry on his face even when he was asleep.

"Will I ever be good enough for you?" She whispered, knowing that he wouldn't answer her.

_'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun_

_Yes I saw you were blinded_

"It wasn't me, was it?" She asked the silence of the night. "It was never me. But it's not that you didn't try and pretend. You always tried to make yourself love me. You always made me feel loved. But you're also not happy. And it hurts me to see you forcing yourself to live a lie."

_It may be over but it won't stop there_

_I am here for you if you'd only care_

"But I think you can't do this to yourself anymore Javi," she cupped his cheek, careful not to wake him up, as she leaned in and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. "You cannot keep living a lie, hoping that it'll become true if you believe it enough. You're not in love with me. And that's okay. That'll never be your fault, because we cannot force ourselves to love someone we don't. You're so loving and kind, Javi, but I think it's time you were true to yourself. You deserve it. You don't care for me the same way I care for you, and that's okay."

_You touched my heart you touched my soul_

_You changed my life and all my goals_

"You've helped me," she sighed as she lay down beside him. "You're helped me learn more about myself by watching you. You're the kind of person who loves so much and never holds back his love. You throw yourself into your relationships headfirst, giving everything you have to that one special person in your life. And I admire that about you Javi. You've had your heart broken so many times and the fact that you just keep throwing your all into every relationship because you don't want to hold back anything from your one true love... It's admirable. But I think you know who your one true love is, and it isn't me."

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

"Goodbye Javi," she cuddled up to his side and closed her eyes, letting herself cling to the dream for one more sweet moment.

She could picture it briefly. They'd always cuddle like that and she would wake up in his arms before he headed to the rink, giving Effie her goodbye cuddle and giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek before heading out. Then he would come home to her and Effie again, greeting them with hugs and kisses before they would have dinner and cuddle on their couch. Or maybe he would grab her hands and tug her out of the door, making her squeal with delight as they ran to the outdoor, pop up rink together. He would always help her tie her laces properly, making sure they were secure, before he would help her on the ice, guiding her around and making her feel like she was the most secure person in the world, despite the fact she was on millimetre wide blades on ice. The ghost of Javi's hand on her waist, tugging her around the ice as snowflakes caught in his curls and his laughter lit up the world around them, she could still feel, and it took everything she had in her to pull away from him and climb out of bed. She got changed, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, before she leaned down and pressed one more kiss to Javier's cheek.

"I'll miss you," she whispered as she left a handwritten note on his bedside table. "I'll really miss you Javi. But you deserve to be with the one you truly love. Or you at least deserve to not live a lie forever. So please, talk to him."

_I know your fears and you know mine_

_We've had our doubts but now we're fine_

_And I love you, I swear that's true_

She paused by the door, glancing back one more time at him, before she smiled weakly through her tears and picked up her bag, carrying it silently out of his room and home. She paused on the way out only to pet Effie's ears one last time before she disappeared from his place.

Javi yawned, stretching as he shook off the lingering sleep that clung to him. He rolled over, hoping to catch the sweet scent of his girlfriend's strawberry shampoo, when he reached out and found a cold bed. It shocked him and he sat up, glancing around when his eyes found the note. His heart dropped and, with trembling fingers, he picked it up and unfolded it.

_Javi,_

_I think we are not right for each other. You love someone else in your heart and it's not fair to make you keep living a lie like this. You've not done anything wrong, but, for your sake, we shouldn't be together. These past few months together have been so much fun, and I love you dearly, but we are not meant to be together. I wish you all the best Javi, and I want you to be happy. Don't let him slip through your fingers. Ask him before it's too late._

Javier sat on his bed in a stunned silence, just staring at the piece of paper in his hand as he struggled to process everything. It was only the soft mewing of his beloved calico that shook him out of his own mind, and he wiped the tears away as he scooped her up, carrying her to the kitchen for their breakfast. Effie understood as she always did, and she didn't judge him for hiding his face in her soft fur as tears fell.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_


	9. OK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is it just me," Scott whispered to Nobu as he looked between Yuzuru and Javier on the ice, "or has something happened between them? Something bad?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you're doing well. This chapter has yet more emotional hurt (sorryyyy) and is inspired by the song OK by James Blunt. Thank you so much for reading it!

_I really need your love right now, I'm fading fast_

"Is it just me," Scott whispered to Nobu as he looked between Yuzuru and Javier on the ice, "or has something happened between them? Something bad?"

"It seems that way," Nobu nodded as Yuzuru popped another potential quad lutz, too hesitant to really give the jump the attack it needed after his injuries. "I'd kind of hoped that they'd been smart enough to sort whatever their issues were out, but they're dumb so maybe they haven't yet."

"But it seems like it's Yuzuru ignoring Javi now, not Javi ignoring Yuzuru." Scott looked between them again. "Like, is this Yuzuru's way of punishing Javi for saying they're not friends or something?"

"I have no idea," Nobu shrugged. "You shouldn't try to understand these two. They're strange. Complete opposites who were amazing friends and rivals up until PyeongChang where they shared one super heartfelt podium and then suddenly they hate each other."

"Maybe this is their way of dealing with the change or something." Scott mused as he watched them. "Strange. I thought they'd want to spend as much time with each other as they can while they're processing everything."

Nobu nodded, watching the two. Javier was the one staring at Yuzuru, watching him.

_When I find myself in the middle, in the middle, in the middle_

_Could you love me more, just a little, just a little?_

"Hey, Yuzu," Javier skated to a stop beside him and the Japanese man glanced over at him with light indifference, "maybe we could go get some tea together after the rehearsals? Or you could join the rest of us after the show to go for dinner? I'm sure everyone would love it if you came with us. We can go somewhere with good gyoza?"

Yuzuru fixed him with a look that made Javier want to shrink back. He turned his attention back to Pooh-san as he fought to get a stubborn wrinkle out of the bear's nose. Javier stood beside him in the awkward silence as Yuzuru focused on the task at hand for a few minutes.

"I can't just go out for tea. Or go out for dinner. We're in Japan and I'm Hanyu Yuzuru."

"Oh," Javier felt very stupid for not realising that. He forgot just how difficult being in his rink mates' shoes could be at times, and he felt like a dreadful friend for forgetting. "I'm sorry. Maybe we could do something at the hotel together then? Talk about the season, and maybe--"

"No." Yuzuru shut him down very quickly. "You'd hate it. You're meant to go out and socialise and have fun. Besides," he glanced at Javier out of the corner of his eye, "you should be done with bending over backwards to make me happy."

_So tell me now_

_When every star falls from the sky_

_And every last heart in the world breaks_

_Oh hold me now_

"But I'd rather you didn't spend the whole time on your own, hiding away alone. It's--"

"It's how I work," Yuzuru cut him off with a polite but firm tone. "It's how I've always worked. You know this. You know I'm... how did you say it? A mystery. And I like to be a mystery?"

"Yuzu, I didn't mean--"

"You did. And that's okay."

_When every ship is going down_

_I don't fear nothing when I hear you say_

_It's gonna be OK_

"Have fun tonight with everyone," Yuzuru gave him a smile that made Javier's heart ache in a way he hadn't let it for a while. "Send them all my best too. I can recommend this restaurant," he handed him a business card as he scooped up his water bottle, towel, guards, and Pooh-san. "See you at the show."

_I'm really sorry_

_Sorry I dragged you into this_

Yuzuru didn't let himself look back at Javier as he left the rink, trying to outrun his heart feelings and get back to the hotel. Part of him ached to take up Javier's offer and join the others for dinner, just to let himself be a normal person or a normal part of the tour just for a few hours. But he couldn't. He was Yuzuru Hanyu and his life was dictated by duty. Besides, it wouldn't be fair on the others if they were then photographed and gossiped about just for being near him. He closed his hotel room door and shut it, leaning his head against it with a deep sigh.

_I overthink, that's all it is_

_The way you love me_

_The way you love me 'til the end_

_The way you love me_

_Oh yeah, it makes me king again_

At the start of the season, Yuzuru had felt like unset jelly. He didn't know what he was doing, where he was going, and he was so wobbly that he got beaten in the free by his sixteen-year-old training mate. But being back in Europe, in the place that had made Javier their king for so many years, he found himself again. When he'd struggled in Russia because of yet another stupid injury, it had been at home in Japan, knowing that Javier was commentating on his skating, that lifted his wings with golden light and helped him to fly.

Because, at the heart of Yuzuru's successes, was Javi's love. Javi had accepted him into his safe training space all those years ago and that had been the first step towards the Yuzuru he was that day. And then Javier hadn't just become his training mate or his rival, but had made it his job to be Yuzuru's friend. His best friend. His heart ached and clenched as he thought about how Javier made him feel: like he was the best person to ever put on skates and touch the ice. He sniffled, wiping his eyes with a tissue swiped from Pooh-san's back, as he tried to push all his feelings back down to where they wouldn't surface again. He couldn't. They kept fighting against him, fighting to be on the surface. Fighting to make themselves known as if to say "you can never get Javi out of your heart. Even if he were to marry someone else and live on the other side of the world, you could never live without Javi in your heart. He's a part of you and a part of your love, and there is nothing you can do to change that."

_When every star falls from the sky_

_And every last heart in the world breaks_

_It's gonna be OK_


	10. Turn Me On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier might have had a little too much to drink. In his defence, he'd been broken up with not that long before so his heart was still aching. With Yuzuru's rejection to even hang out, he'd been working on drowning his sorrows. And, with Nobu and Stephane buying drinks, it was easy enough to let loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Welcome to the next chapter. This one has a lot of (heavily) implied adult themes so be aware of that. It's based on the James Blunt song Turn Me On, so I hope that you enjoy it. Thank you so much for reading it!

_I'm a boy, she's a girl_

Javier might have had a little too much to drink. In his defence, he'd been broken up with not that long before so his heart was still aching. With Yuzuru's rejection to even hang out, he'd been working on drowning his sorrows. And, with Nobu and Stephane buying drinks, it was easy enough to let loose.

He caught her eyes across the restaurant and smiled, turning on the Javi charm that practically oozed from his every pore. She nodded towards the bar, raising her glass, and Javier slipped away from the table with some poor excuse that he muttered under his breath.

"Spanish?" She asked with a hint of an American accent. "I heard you talking to your friends. Your accent is so sexy."

Javier smiled and gestured to her glass. "I'll buy you another. Why don't we talk a little?"

_I'm not her friend no, not second best_

They stumbled back to Javier's hotel room together like they were teenagers sneaking back after a house party. They giggled as they shut the door and were instantly kissing. Javier pressed her back against the door as he unzipped her dress and pressed soft kisses to the side of her neck. Like a pair of young adults filled with hormones, they tugged at each other's clothes, stumbling towards the bed together.

_So, why get complicated?_

_You know you wanna turn me on_

If he was being honest, Javier prided himself on being an attentive lover. He enjoyed making his partners feel good and he felt very smug whenever he could make his partners scream in ecstasy. They would then cuddle up beside him after and he would enjoy whispering sweet nothings to them as they enjoyed the sweet afterglow of making love.

But this wasn't making love. This was Javier hooking up with a random local Japanese lady during Fantasy on Ice. He struggled to look her in the eyes to the point and he nipped at her neck and collarbones so he could hide his face instead.

_Underwater, with someone's daughter_

_Gonna make you a dirty woman_

_And when we're both in it together_

_And we're both on each other_

If Javier thought of someone else as he held her soft curves, stroking his thumbs over her tiny waist as she rode him, he would never tell. If he wished someone else was moaning his name with the Japanese accent tugging at the words, he would never tell. If he wished he could be lying beside someone else, listening to their honking laugh as he told them about Effie's latest misdemeanours, he wouldn't tell. They cuddled for the night and Javier stroked her waist, imagining there was someone else pressed up against his chest instead.

She smelt of rose and sex. He'd always smelt of jasmine and citrus, even after an intense training session that would have had him lying on the ice with his legs giving out underneath him.

She had long soft hair that spilt across the pillow, looking like inky strands that had reached down to her waist. His hair was cut to his nape, kept short so that it wouldn't go in his eyes or go crazy when he spun too much.

She had a soft laugh, one that felt almost airy and breathless, particularly in the throws and aftermath of their passion. He had either a giggle that was almost a little shy, or he had a honking laugh that he only showed the people he trusted the most.

_Why get complicated?_

_You know you wanna turn me on_

"Thanks," She mumbled into his shoulder the next morning before she pulled herself away from him and smiled. "The rumours about Super Javi are all true."

He flushed, wanting to hide himself underneath the duvet as she chuckled and winked before she left. He felt a little guilty that he hadn't been more attentive and caring to her after, but the stronger form of guilt inside of him was because of something else entirely.

_It's not cheating, he tried to tell himself. How can it be cheating when you're single and you hook up with someone? That's not cheating!_

Javier flopped back on the bed, trying to remind himself that no strings attached sex is absolutely fine. He was single! Single! He could sleep with whoever he wanted as long as they wanted to sleep with him too.

But some traitorous voice at the back of his mind whispered, teased, taunted him that, no matter how many people he was with, it would never replace _him_ in his life.


	11. Courtney's Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bzzz  
> Bzzz  
> Bzzz  
> "Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter is based on the song Courtney's Song by James Blunt, and it's a slightly different format. I hope you like it, and thank you for reading it!

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

Javier swallowed thickly, unsure what to really say as the silence hung heavy in the air. He swallowed again before he cleared his throat and tried to say everything his heart wanted him to.

"Hey Yuzu, I... uh... It's Javi. Listen, I just wanted to call you and see if your training was going well. I hope the quad sal is working for you. Have you tried training the quad lutz again? Wait no sorry, that was a dumb question. Of course you have. I saw you do a perfect one at Fantasy on Ice." He couldn't stop himself as he talked; more and more words were spilling out as he tried to fit all he could say into the tiny window of time. "Are you going to put it into your programs again? Or maybe you're going for the quad axel? How is the quad axel going? Are you friends? Or are you still angry and fighting? I hope you befriend the quad axel and the quad lutz soon. That's what you do, right? Befriend your jumps? Anyway, what I really wanted to say was--"

_Maximum time reached for message. Please call back to leave another message_

Javier groaned, tossing his phone down onto the bed beside him as he flopped back. Effie came sniffing beside him, nosing at his cheek as she curled up beside him. He reached out, scratching behind her ears as he did his best to not think about Yuzuru.

"You love me, don't you my sweet princess?" He mumbled, smiling when she did the cat version of kissing his cheek. His phone buzzed and he dived for it, scrambling to get it but his face fell and he let it fall onto the duvet beside him.

_Patrick: Yo Javi! Heard you were back in Canada! Fancy getting a drink sometime soon?_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

"Hey Yuzu, uh, congrats on winning at the Autumn Classic! You did so well! It was so fun to watch. I mean, I know you had a few little mistakes and things you would like to improve, but a win is a win, right? And you and Kevin and Keegan looked so funny on the podium together. Last year you were the tiny one, between Roman and Jun, and this time you were the tall one. And then you danced around with your flags and that was cool! You've always won gold at the Autumn Classic, ever since it started in 2015. I mean, except that one time, but you set a world record so really you did an amazing job then anyway. And you maxed out your silver medals before the Olympics. Anyway, so, I actually wanted to say good luck for Skate Canada and the NHK trophy! I'm sure you'll do great and go to the final again, and win your first Skate Canada gold! And I also wanted to say that I--"

_Maximum time reached for message. Please call back to leave another message_

"--love you." Javier swallowed down every rising emotion inside of him and held the phone away from his ear, grimacing as he stared at the screen. It mocked him, flashing the stupid thing that his call had ended, and he tossed it down, running a hand through his curls in frustration.

"God fucking dammit!" He kicked the bottom of one of the walls of his apartment in frustration. "Just answer your phone for once! Please!"

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

"Hi Yuzu. I just wanted to congratulate you on your win at Skate Canada. Really well done. You finally got the gold, huh? Fourth time's a charm. Well... Yeah, I don't know what else to say. Do you even listen to these messages? Or do you just delete them? Anyway, well done. I know you worked so hard to win. You were incredible."

He hung up before he had time to be cut off and tossed his phone down onto his bed. He didn't want to see anymore messages, not for a little while anyway. He wanted to exist in his apartment with Effie and nothing and no one else. Just for a little while anyway. It would help him take his mind off Yuzuru.

Who was he kidding? Yuzuru was a drug and he was addicted.

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

"Yuzu! You're through to the final! Well done! And well done on your win at the NHK trophy! I know you're frustrated with the popped quad toe but it was the right thing. You know, no injuries are better. Good luck at the final! I'll be cheering for you from Spain! I hope you don't push yourself too much, with NHK and then the Final and then Nationals. Anyway, good luck! I'll always be cheering for you!"

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

"Hey Yuzu. Javi again. Um, listen, I know you're probably frustrated but you did so well. You landed five incredible quads and you should be so proud of that. And I know you're frustrated but please don't beat yourself up about it, yeah? Origin as a program is your friend. Please don't let Origin feel like a bad program for you. Anyway... If you need someone to talk to who isn't a coach or a choreographer or whatever, I'm here. Just, you know, in case you need someone. But you have Pooh-san as well, right? Anyway, well done for your fight."

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

"Ohaiyo! You've reached the voicemail of Hanyu Yuzuru! Sorry, I'm probably practicing my jumps, image training, gaming, or sleeping. Please leave a message after the beep!"

"Hi Yuzu, I hope you're resting up. You deserve it, you know? You've been pushing yourself way too hard recently and you need time to recharge. You're like... It's like you're one of your weird jelly packets and you sucked all the energy and jelly out of yourself. Okay, no, that's weird, but you know what I mean. You need to let yourself get more energy again, you know? Anyway, you should be proud even if it isn't what you wanted. You did so well, I promise. We're all so proud of you. Take care, and have a good Christmas."

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

_Bzzz_

Javier sighed, waiting for the stupid voicemail he'd been hearing over and over for what felt like years at this point.

"Hai?" His head snapped up when he heard it. His voice was soft, tentative, and almost unsure.

"Hi Yuzu," Javier couldn't keep the smile out of his voice. "It's Javi."


	12. When I Find Love Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's good to see you back at the club again Javi," Brian said with a smile as the Spaniard drank in the familiar sight of the board-less, pristine ice that he'd spent seven years on. His flag of yellow and red stood beside the former Canadian flag; the yellow made it pop against the off-white brick background. His eyes drifted, as they always did, to the white flag with the red centre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you're doing well. This chapter is based on the song When I Find Love Again. I hope you enjoy it

"It's good to see you back at the club again Javi," Brian said with a smile as the Spaniard drank in the familiar sight of the board-less, pristine ice that he'd spent seven years on. His flag of yellow and red stood beside the former Canadian flag; the yellow made it pop against the off-white brick background. His eyes drifted, as they always did, to the white flag with the red centre.

_Hey yo, where can I go,_

_When all the roads I take they never lead me home._

"It's good to be back," Javier said with a bright smile. "I've missed being here. I love Spain, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm meant to be here. My competitive career really took off and also ended from this rink. It feels right that my coaching one should take off too."

Brian nodded and patted his shoulder before the pair of them started walking around the club. Had Javier been anyone but himself, Brian would be showing a new person around on a tour. But, since Javi had spent seven years at the place, he could navigate it in his sleep.

(Brian was convinced that, some days, when he was on the very last minute and didn't have time to grab a coffee, he was navigating it in his sleep)

"So, how are we starting?" Javier asked, giving his old coach a cheeky grin that normally spelt trouble for him. "Come on. You always have a plan. A schedule. Tell me!"

_Yeah, I've made mistakes,_

_Next time, I swear I'll change._

"What's the point in telling you when I'm pretty sure you'll just ignore it anyway?" Brian raised his eyebrows but couldn't hold the serious expression for too long and laughed. "I do have a plan, and I wanted to run it over with you first. And then I'll ask the kids, and then you can ask them too. Make sure everyone is on the same page before we do anything, you know?"

Javier nodded, eternally impressed with how attentive to each student's needs Brian always was. Javier flicked through the week's plan and chewed his lip as he studied it.

"So I'll be working with Corey, Joseph, Katya, and-- I can't read your handwriting."

Brian fondly swatted at him and took the schedule. "Corey, Joseph, Katya, and Jun. Katya is young and straddles junior and senior competitions, so she'll be a good student for you to coach to get you used to both. Corey isn't jumping quads in competition yet so he'll be a good person for you to coach to get you used to coaching quads. Joseph and Jun are jumping them, but Joseph has a lot to work on with the component side of things, so that's what you'll most be working on. I thought you could assist with coaching Jun to help get you used to coaching more advanced students, since he's doing three types of quads and learning a fourth one."

"You really have thought of everything," Javier said with a little smile that held a little wistfulness and bitter sweet memories. "This is why you're the amazing coach you are."

Brian's look made Javier's heart twist a little from the memories of all the fond times they'd shared together over the years. "No Javi. It's not. At the end of the day, I do all I can do to help you guys grow. But, as a coach, I think my strength comes from my ability to bring out the best in my students. And I think, with your playfulness and kindness, with your easy going nature, you will be an amazing coach. Your students will like you, not just as a coach but as a friend. They will trust you, and that trust will help you and your students grow together. You will be an amazing coach Javi. I know you will."

_I'll be much better than the man, I used to be._

_When I find love again,_

"I hope I can be half as good as you," Javier nudged him lightly before he swallowed a little, finally addressing the elephant in the room. "So, if I'm training Jun, does that mean I'll be on the ice at the same time as...?"

"Yes, is that going to be a problem? I'm hoping it won't be, but I can switch the schedules around a little to make it less tense?"

"No no, it's okay," Javier, not wanting to cause him extra work, waved him off. "We're adults. We can handle it like adults. Besides, it'll be good to see him again. And I wouldn't want to stop him and Jun training together when I'm sure they pick up so much from each other."

"They do," Brian patted Javier's shoulder. "So, all we need to do is ask Corey, Joseph, Katya, and Jun. And then we should be good to go on Monday morning."

"I'll call them all. Or message them on Instagram. Does Jun actually check his Instagram for anyone other than his KPop friend?"

"Yunho," Brian corrected before he rolled his eyes, "and no. He only uses Instagram for that and to occasionally post selfies apparently. I suppose it's a good thing that he mostly stays off social media."

"At least he has a few methods of communication," Javier teased. "Alright. I'll call him instead. His number hasn't changed, has it? It's still the same one as when he first joined, right?"

"Yep," the older coach dug his phone out and held up a text conversation.

_Jun: Brian, can I practice my quad flip tomorrow please?_

_Jun: I would really like to try a quad salchow combination in the short again_

_Jun: I also think that five quads overall should be my goal for next season, if not six. What do you think?_

_Jun: I would repeat the salchow in the free_

_Jun: In combination with the triple toe_

_Jun: The jump layout would be something like this_

_Jun: Quad flip_

_Jun: Quad sal + triple toe_

_Jun: Quad toe_

_Jun: Quad sal_

_Jun: Triple lutz + triple loop (second half)_

_Jun: Triple axel (second half)_

_Jun: Triple axel/triple flip + Eu + triple sal (second half)_

_Jun: Or do you think that would be too difficult?_

_Jun: But I don't know about ending on a triple axel_

_Jun: Maybe I could move the three jump combination to the start of the second half_

_Jun: And then end on the triple lutz triple loop?_

_Jun: Since it's a stable combination?_

_Jun: Or do the triple axel in the three jump combination_

_Jun: And end on a solo triple flip?_

_Brian: Jun, we'll discuss this tomorrow. B._

_Jun: Thanks Brian!_

_Jun: Also I have some choreography points I want to highlight_

_Jun: And also some spin things_

_Jun: And need to work on my steps too_

_Jun: And I would also like your opinion about my choreographic sequence_

_Brian: Jun, message David or Shae-Lynn about your choreography, Paige about your spins, and we'll work on the other two tomorrow. See you at training. B._

_Jun: Thanks Brian!_

_Jun: *(^o^)*_

Javier couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing when he saw the string of texts from the young Korean skater. Brian smacked him lightly on the shoulder.

"Don't laugh! You'll be getting those messages too! Why do you think I wanted to give you Jun, huh? So you'll be plagued with the messages and I'll finally be free."

"Oh, he's a good kid. Just a little chaotic. I'll call them all later and check that they're okay with me coaching them. Anything else I should do Brian?"

"No, that sounds good. I would recommend messaging someone else but... I doubt they check their phone very often. Other than that, why don't you relax tonight and meet up with some of your friends from Canada that you haven't seen in a while? I'm sure they missed you while you were in Spain."

"Yeah, I will," Javier nodded and stood up. "And I'll be here bright and early tomorrow. Don't you worry!"

As Javier left, his eyes caught the bank of flags again and he saw the white and red one that had unintentionally become so near and dear to his heart. He swallowed, looking away and trying to shake it off as he headed towards the stop for his bus.

_I'll be much better than the man, I used to be._

_When I find love again_


	13. Into the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the students that Javi asked were happy to have him coach them, and he took to it all like a duck to water. Jun, especially, seemed to flourish under Javier's attention, and his quad flip success rate rapidly got better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope that you're doing well. I've definitely enjoyed Korean Nationals and would encourage everyone to watch it if they haven't already! There are only a few more days of February left and only a few more chapters left of this. This one is based on the song Into the Dark, so I hope tht you enjoy it x

All the students that Javi asked were happy to have him coach them, and he took to it all like a duck to water. Jun, especially, seemed to flourish under Javier's attention, and his quad flip success rate rapidly got better. It got so consistent that Jun had even gone to Ghislain, telling him that he was ready to learn the quad loop too and that they should get the harness. In the midst of the Korean's jump practice, that Javier and Brian were overseeing from the edge of the rink, a certain figure all in black came to a stop beside them.

"He's good. Little more speed and little more height would help. But definitely positive GOE jump. Do you think he will do five quads? Or four quads of four types?"

"Probably four," Brian folded his arms as he watched Jun land another quad loop. "At least, until he's more used to them and builds up his stamina. Too many quads will make him more tired and prone to under-rotations."

Yuzuru nodded and Javier tilted his head at the Japanese man. He looked as slim as ever but nowhere near as fragile as he used to. He was made of hard muscle that was sleek rather than bulky, wrapping his elegant figure with strength. He looked older, more mature, than Javier really remembered. From the side, his jawline was strong and his eyes held a sparkly focus as Javier could see him map out his own quad internally as he watched Jun. Javier shook himself out of his thoughts, remembering his job, and he too turned to watch the young Korean.

_If I could choose I'd have you stay_

_But I gave my heart to you and it's yours to break_

Yuzuru couldn't help it. As much as he tried to stop thinking of Javi, as much as he'd tried to move on every day, every week, every month, for the two years, it was impossible. Javier was everywhere at the club, and he was still there in Yuzuru's skating. He could almost feel the ghost of his hand on his waist all the time as he guided him around the ice. He could feel the ghost of his hand holding his own as he remembered every time Javier had picked him up and brushed the crystals of ice that clung to him off. He missed him on every podium; it was never the same without Javier, his Javier, sharing in their job and making it worth much more than the sum of its parts. A little regret flavoured his heart as he remembered the difficult times between them and how stupid he was for consistently pushing him away. Selfishness made him isolate himself and it meant that he'd missed out on potentially some of the best years of his life with the keeper of his heart. Now, Javi owned every part of him, and now it was too late.

_Before my fears tear us apart_

_Won't you follow me into the dark_

"Javi," the name rolled off his tongue like the sweetest honey, and it tasted just right. He'd said this name every day for years but it was like he'd never seen in colour before and was finally freed. The Spaniard paused, raising his head from his skates as he sat beside Yuzuru untying them. "I don't know if Brian told you, but there is a summer party. At the weekend. He's hosting it, and it's for everyone at the club."

_Now or never, Yuzuru. Ask him. Ask him!_

He silenced the voice in his head insisting that he ask Javier to be his. He couldn't. It wasn't that he was afraid of being rejected. He wasn't afraid of having his heart broken. No. He was afraid of opening a wound on poor Javier's heart after he'd been with girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend who had left him like an abandoned puppy.

"Oh? He didn't mention it to me, but I guess since I'm fairly new, he wouldn't want it to feel like I'm imposing. Or he wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable? Or--"

"He told me to ask you. If I wanted." Yuzuru blurted out. "I... Of course I would like you to come. If you want. Enjoy the summer. It'll be just like your home, yeah? Will you come to the party?"

"I'd love to," Javier's smile did things to Yuzuru's heart that he still had not yet grown used to. "Will you be there too? I know parties aren't really your thing, but..."

"I'll be there." Yuzuru nodded and gave him a smile that looked like he was holding something back to Javier. "As long as you are, of course. Jason and I struggle to take care of the little ones."

"You do know that they're not that little, right? Most of them are taller than you."

"Baka!" Yuzuru rolled his eyes and oh, how good it felt to fall back into their old ways of teasing and jokes. "They're all babies! All of them! Except Jason."

Javier chuckled and nudged him with his shoulder lightly. "Don't worry. I'll be there, and we'll all take care of the sweet Cricket Club babies."

Yuzuru smiled at him before he lowered his gaze, focusing back on his boots as he tried to hide his blush.

_Before my fears tear us apart_

_Won't you follow me into the dark_


	14. Bonfire Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The summer evening was warm and the skaters and coaches all gathered on the grass. Jun and Conrad were lying back together, watching as the colours of the sky changed from bright blue to softer pastels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, welcome to the last chapter of this. I hope that this is a satisfying conclusion, and thank you so much for sticking with me for the whole month and reading this!

The summer evening was warm and the skaters and coaches all gathered on the grass. Jun and Conrad were lying back together, watching as the colours of the sky changed from bright blue to softer pastels. Brian and his husband were in charge of food while Tracy chatted to Javier over drinks. When a car pulled up, stopping beside the park, Javier's heart skipped a beat as he watched Yuzuru climb out of it. The Japanese man exchanged a few words with the driver and watched them leave before he approached the group, waving. So used to seeing him in Under Armour or costumes that rivalled the universe and stars for sparkle, to see him in jeans and a dark blue button-up felt different. He still had on his signature necklaces and bracelets, but he looked softer and lighter to Javier. The light breeze made his hair look extra fluffy and the warmth on Javier's cheeks definitely wasn't just from the warmth of the summer air.

_Days like these lead to_

_Nights like this lead to_

_Love like ours_

_You light the spark in my bonfire heart_

"You came," Javier didn't even want to try and hold back the smile that burst through, lighting everything up. He offered Yuzuru a glass of lemonade and the Japanese man took it, returning his smile. "I didn't think you were going to come."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," he sipped at the drink as Javier did the same with his beer beside him.

They stood in a comfortable silence, watching as the others from the club soaked up the sun and relaxed. Jason and Tracy were setting up food while Corey, Jun, Conrad, and Joseph were chasing each other around on the grass. Their laughter lit up the air, filling the evening with more comfort and lightness. Javi and Yuzuru, even from the very beginning, had never needed to speak to be able to understand each other. Their connection and relationship transcended the language barriers. Even when they'd had petty fights, they'd come together when it really mattered the most.

"How's it going?" Javier tentatively broke it and Yuzuru looked up from his glass, obsidian eyes meeting chestnut. "Training. Competing. Everything. How are you?"

"I'm alright," he idly swirled his glass around, drawing pictures in the condensation on the side. "How are you? How is coaching going? You seem to be good at it, and the members of the club who you've picked up seem to love you."

"I hope I can be good," he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I'm glad I'm working with Brian and Tracy and learning from them."

_But I've been looking at you for a long, long time_

_Just tryna break through, tryna make you mine_

Without needing to ask, the two of them left the table of drinks and walked to the edge of the park together in silence. Side by side, drinks in hand, they disappeared over the hill and sat beside the river that lay on the other side of the park. The light babbling was soothing, and they lay down together, watching the clouds.

"Javi?"

"Mm, yeah?"

"Are you going back to Spain?"

The question caught him off guard a little and he paused, swallowing down his thoughts and words. He didn't know. He didn't know how to say that he didn't know. If Yuzuru had asked him to--

"It depends on where life takes me." He swallowed the lump in his throat and sighed. "For now, at least, I will be in Canada. And then, I don't know. If I have no reason to stay, I will go."

The silence between them, this time, almost felt heavy. Both men's minds raced back through their years together, seeing every memory and moment that they'd cherished or missed. Every instance, from the Rostelecom Cup that was part of the start of the second section of Yuzuru's life, all the way to PyeongChang: their last shared podium and beyond, came back. And they let the memories return, tinged blue and yellow from both happiness and sadness.

"What would be a good enough reason to stay?" Yuzuru whispered, hardly daring to breathe or listen to the answer.

Javier glanced over and caught Yuzuru's eye. Setting his beer aside on the grass, he raised a hand and traced the other's jawline as he cupped his cheek. He heard the tiny intake of breath and neither of them pulled away as he inched closer.

He wasn't sure which of them leaned in first. Was it him or was it Yuzuru? Yuzuru's lips tasted sweet like the sugary lemonade, and they felt perfect against his own. They exchanged sweet kisses, pulling away before starting again, until they both laughed breathlessly and pressed their foreheads against each others.

"Ask me and I'll say yes," Javier whispered, lacing his fingers with Yuzuru's.

"Javier Fernandez Lopez," the Spaniard chuckled as Yuzuru used his full name, "will you be my boyfriend and stay? Stay in Canada with me for at least a little longer?"

Javier cupped his waist, rubbing his thumbs over the muscles that made it so slim.

"It would be my honour," he whispered before he pulled Yuzuru in for another kiss. The golden light of summer sunset fell around them and, in that moment, nothing else existed except for them. They had time to fall in love properly all over again and make so many more memories together.

And this time, they wouldn't let go


End file.
